Christmas 2012- Letter with Pictures!

Christmas 2012

Hey everyone! We hope you’re enjoying this wonderful Christmas season as we are. I think this is the first Christmas letter I’ve ever done.

2012 was an interesting year to say the least. It didn’t start the best when January 19^th we sent our second baby to be with Jesus. We are doing better- time and God are continuing to heal our hearts. Nick has also changed jobs and is currently the store manager at Honeybaked Ham. The manager aspect of it is great for him, but these insane holiday hours are, well, insane. This has been the first full year I’ve been a stay-at-home mom and I love it but it definitely is the hardest job I’ve had, though it's the best!

Talia’s adorable, very high energy, and doesn’t stop talking. Her favorite things to say lately are “What’s that?” and “What doing?” and “What’s up?” so we are constantly answering questions. This is the hardest age (so far) I think, but also the best. They drive you absolutely insane, but they’re so cute doing it that you let them get away with it. I think this is the first Christmas that Talia is actually starting to grasp it all, and we love watching Christmas through her little almost 3 year old eyes. Her favorites are looking at Christmas lights, Christmas trees, eating cookies (of course what toddler doesn’t love that…), and oo-ing and aw-ing over Baby Jesus. She has this obsession with babies lately, so whenever she sees a Baby Jesus she gets this high-pitched voice and says something like “Aww Baby Jesus! So little!” The girl loves animals too so any Nativity Scene is a huge thing for her.

We are expecting our third little munchkin come April of next year. We found out it’s a girl last week. Prayers for this little one’s continued health would be greatly appreciated!

Merry Christmas to all our family and friends! May God bless each one of you abundantly this coming year!

Love,

Nicholas, Sarah, and Talia Brown

Just pretend this last picture is facing the correct direction. Ok? Ok.

Praying

I'm learning more and more what "faith like a child" is. From, well, a child.

Talia has really liked praying lately. It's super cute and funny and downright heart-melting. And she

We ordered pizza the other day while Daddy was working late. (Side note: whenever it's dinnertime, she goes to the stairs and calls down to Daddy. She hollers as loud as those toddler lungs will let her and says "DADDY!!!! DINNERTIME!!!!!!" And she'll keep at it until he's sitting at the table. So cute!) Anyway, back to my praying story. She tried to call for Daddy, but he wasn't home so instead she went "Thank you Daddy!" And I said "Why are you thanking Daddy? He didn't make the pizza. Well I guess we can thank him for working and making money so we can buy the pizza." After I said that she very vehemently said "AMEN!" So even non-official prayers get Amen-ed.

Other times, she'll wait to eat her food and say "Pray!" before we start. Other times she just dives in, especially if dinner is cheesy in any way- the girl loves cheese. Win some, lose some.

The other night was the best though. We said our goodnight prayers and I got up to leave and she said "Mommy more prayers!" So I had to go back and say more prayers. Then I got up again and she said "Mommy more prayers!" She didn't want to stop! I then told her she can pray and talk to God anytime. That seemed to make sense to her so Mommy was allowed to leave her room finally. :)

She's only two, but this much makes sense to her. Maybe all the faith stuff ain't so complicated after all. :)

More About Turkey

So this is a continuation of said previous post about turkey...

I made my furry turkey. I said I hoped this thing better taste good to be worth it.

It cooked for 4 hours or so. I then started to make the mashed potatoes, gravy, salad, etc.

I wanted to make giblet gravy. For giblet gravy, you need giblets. Correct?

I couldn't find the giblets and then it hit me- I LEFT THE GIBLETS IN THEIR BAG INSIDE THE TURKEY!!!!!!

Thankfully the bags didn't disintegrate nor did the plastic one melt. And a plus to this story is that I didn't have to cook the giblets separately. Yay! (See I can be super efficient and not even know it!) 

The turkey did taste very good. Was it worth it? I don't think any turkey is worth it...

I Hate Turkeys

I have a long history with turkeys. I hate them. I love eating them. I despise/loathe/would-rather-eat-dirt hate preparing them. And it really doesn't have much to do with the fact that they take a gazillion years to cook, and are messy to clean up, and give you leftovers for a decade.

Shortly after we were married Nick made me make a turkey, not once but twice. I think I had a heart attack the first time, and the second wasn't much better.

The first time went something like this:

Nick: "Okay so you need to reach down and grab the giblets out..."

Me: "I need to do what?! I have to stick my hand INSIDE this thing?! And grab onto some slimy neck or liver or something equally grody?!"

I was squealing like a little girl the whole time and I think the only thing that came out of my mouth was "EWWWWW!!!!!" (Yes my husband was rolling on the floor laughing the whole time...)

It kind of reminded me of in middle and high school when we had to dissect the frogs and pigs. GAH! At least the formaldehyde smell was wonderfully absent with the turkey...

The second time we had a turkey that was all fancy and came with it's own thermometer that apparently pops out when the turkey's done. You need to tell me (who only recently learned to cook due to being married to my chef husband) when a turkey comes with something like that. I am not Martha Stewart, nor did I grow up with a great cook for a mother (my mother cooks out of necessity to live and that is all).

I took a knife to that sucker and dug out the thermometer. (Do you know how hard it is to dig a hole in an uncooked turkey?!) My husband was out talking to someone and it looked all out of place in the turkey- this big old red dot that I was convinced was part of the packaging that I didn't take off before hand. No one told me 2 things about this: 1, what a thermometer was and 2, that you're supposed to leave it in the stupid bird! So that turkey had a big old hole cut out in it's side... And we had to stab it again to get another thermometer back in it. That was a very holey turkey...

Today, I made a turkey. Why? I don't know... My husband was working, why I didn't wait til the weekend so he could do it is beyond me. All these prior horrible experiences came rushing back once I started rinsing the turkey and panic slowly crept up. I woman-ed up and dug out those nasty things they shove inside the turkey (why can't they just sell those separately or put them on the outside or something?!?!) and got it all nice and clean.

And then....

I go to wash the wings. The wings... had... FEATHERS! UGH!!! I think my heart leapt and the squealing commenced again. I do NOT pluck birds. That is SO not in my job description as housewife and mom. And these things were like 3 inches long, not just like stubble (you know, like when you don't shave your legs for a week or so... TMI sorry...).

I remember once in a Beth Moore study she said that we were all born into specific times for specific reasons. Yeah, God in His infinite wisdom saw that putting me as a pioneer woman in 1825 would NOT go well. At all...

Thankfully it was just the one wing that was furry, so again I woman-ed up and plucked that sucker clean. Then I immediately finished the prep as fast as possible and scrubbed myself down with scalding hot water and soap.

Now that stupid bird is marinating in my fridge with syrup and brown sugar. It better taste amazing after all this.

And I told Nick he owes me some amazing dessert as payment for dealing with a turkey. His response was, "Well I'm going to be getting a ton of free ham now at my new job, so we'll have ham from now on instead of turkey!"

Praise the LORD!

A Bit of Life in Pictures

Talia's 2nd Birthday!

Explaining "how it is" to her sheep.

The girl loves books.

Helping Mommy wash her toys. The water was brown when we were finished. EW!

Naptime on the stairs.

Papa and Nana's kitties. Rosie (top), Baxter (bottom), and Bax (in Talia's hand).

Family with the real Baxter.

Anniversary weekend. So pretty!

Getting stuck in massive snow drifts on top of a mountain in a blizzard is EXACTLY how I wanted to spend our anniversary. :)

That's how deep the snow was- all the way up to the middle of my thighs. And yes, I sure did fall in!

Only my husband would be outside in a blizzard at the top of a mountain in a short sleeved shirt.

Husband getting sticks and stones to get us unstuck. (This ended up being my job after I stopped playing photographer.)

Apparently it's necessary to have handicapped parking at 12000 feet.

Here's the handicapped parking "lot." It was the road. Literally. There wasn't even a pull off area. Is it just me, or does that not seem so ADA compliant?

You can't read the sign, but it says "Don't block the driveway." The sign was sticking out of a 4 foot high snow drift that was indeed blocking the driveway.

Ahhh Mt. Princeton. So stinking pretty!!

A couple things, no I don't let my daughter take naps on the stairs... :) And yes we did get unstuck after hauling a bazillion rocks from up the hill and putting them under the tires. My husband had to push the truck while I drove and I felt pretty dang accomplished after that! Little old me, driving a 4Runner in reverse for 1/3 of a mile in huge snow drifts- I felt the girl-power! Not to self- next time we go 4-wheeling in February, make sure we have a shovel or two in the truck. Even though getting stuck up in the mountains where there's no one around for help was slightly unnerving, it ended up being a really funny experience, especially when I fell in the snow and couldn't get out... At least we had cell service had things gotten worse! :)

Angry

Contrary to the title, this should actually be a somewhat humorous post. So please read with a sense of sarcasm. :)

The day I miscarried, I think I was the angriest person I've ever met. Now I could blame it on hormones, but then again the anger hasn't completely subsided since then. So hormones probably aren't the best excuse. Although I am better now, that should should put a bunch of you at ease.

As to why I was angry, there were several reasons. One, I had just miscarried. That's the obvious reason. The other main reason: I was mad at the whole species of mankind. Solely for existing. The fact I had to share a planet with the rest of the world drove me crazy that day. Narcissistic much?

Let me share a story about just how angry I was that day. On my way back from my doctor's appointment, I had to stop and get gas. I had just pulled up to the pump and was getting ready to get out of the car. This sweet, innocent old lady pulled up behind me to wait for me to move. (Side note- there were a few other pumps open. I still don't understand why she decided to wait behind me in the first place.) Well any normal person, who hadn't just miscarried mere hours before, would have just looked at her funny and then gone about their business. Me? I got livid. I mean- LIVID. The fact that the lady pulled up behind me was just about the most horrible thing anyone could have done to me at that point. I can't even remember what thoughts were going through my head- all I remember is a very big sense of rage. I think I was thinking things like, "How DARE she stop behind me! The nerve! Why can't she just go away and go to her own pump and leave me alone?! Gosh what's her problem? Doesn't she see the other pumps open? Is my car a magnet for her car and she just HAD to be near me? WHY CAN'T EVERYONE JUST GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE?!" I think the only thing missing was me turning green, tripling in size, and smashing things as the Incredible Hulkette.

Now, keep in mind, the sweet old lady never talked to me, didn't really even look at me, and actually did move to another pump once she realized I was just starting to get gas. We never spoke or even gave each other the stink eye. The poor innocent lady had no idea I was shooting death rays out of my eyes at her solely for being within 50 feet of me.

So there it is. Hormones? Maybe. At least they played a part that day in particular. My excuse for being angry since that day? Hmm... I'll have to ponder that one. Not to worry though, I have gotten over my fury at innocent old ladies parking behind me at gas stations.

Update

Not much new to say, but figured I'd just give a small update on how I'm doing. Each day is different honestly. Some days it gets better, other days I crumple. Yesterday was a crumple day. More prayers would be good.

We got back from our anniversary vacation yesterday and it was wonderful! We got to go swimming, hiking, rock climbing, dug our loaned 4Runner out of 3-4 foot high snow drifts (I have a picture of how high the snow came on me- yes I fell in said drift and couldn't get out), and laid around watching TV.

So needless to say, coming back home after a great distraction and rejuvenation time was hard. Harder than I thought. It wasn't just the after-vacation blues, but more like coming back to every day life where I have to think about all the stuff going on. I'm sure this doesn't make sense but in my brain it does. :)

On other notes, my house and clothes smell funny which I'm not sure what to make of that since I cleaned way good (I'm an English major- I talk how I want) before we left for vacation. And my bathroom sink smells like fish, not sure what to make of that either. Maybe my sense of smell got broken....

I found out cleaning diamond earrings in windex is pretty stinking awesome! Can't remember who recommended that originally, but whoever you are you are super smart and you were right- it got my earrings super clean and sparkly!

I hate insurance in all of its forms. It is the most complicated, obnoxious, hair-pulling-out system ever and it is awful. Blech to you insurance, blech!

Currently installing Rosetta Stone on my new computer. Part of me isn't sure why I'm bothering though, I haven't used the thing in months... But I probably should, I'm sure it would work if I used it... My goal is to eventually learn enough Spanish so that we can sometime visit our Compassion child in Peru and talk to her without a translator. How cool would that be?!

The toddler isn't napping, probably need to go see what she is up to in her room. Speaking of the toddler she is such a monkey. She never stops moving when she's awake, she prefers to gallop rather than walk or run. Seriously she gallops, like a horse, it's crazy! She says lots of things now which I need to write some of them down... and journal in my other journal about all the things she's up to. But she really is doing great, getting big (27+ pounds and just one inch under 3 feet tall), eats like piglet (but works it all off before it can go to her waistline...maybe I should do the toddler workout routine), is learning a ton of things (she knows about 1/3 of the alphabet, most animals and their sounds, and is doing hand motions to kid songs, says 3 word sentences). She prefers I play with her or at least sit with her. She loves to say "Mommy do it!" "Mommy sit!" "Mommy read it." She also refers to herself as baby so she says things like "Baby eat it!" "Baby do it." She prays with us at meal times by folding her hands. She prefers books, balls (especially the tiny ones that bounce real well), puzzles, and blocks (although she requires us parents to build something with the blocks solely for the purpose of her knocking it down). She's also very girly in some ways- she hates being dirty. She'll eat her dinner and say "Mommy wash" or "Mommy wipe" and when we watched Winnie the Pooh today she kept yelling "Pooh wash!" since he kept getting covered in honey and/or mud and he wasn't washing. Silly Pooh Bear...

Well that's probably all the rambling I feel like doing for now.

1-19-12

People sometimes say God won't give you more than you can handle. Honestly, right now, I keep getting hit over and over and over again. It does seem more than I can handle. But what helps is that my God is bigger than any of these things and He can handle them for me. All I have to do is ask Him to carry these burdens. 

15 days ago it was confirmed I was pregnant. Dr. Stark asked me if I was ready for another one and I said no, being as how my 2 year old daughter is a live wire and keeps me super busy. I regret saying that very much right now. 

12 days ago I texted my friend from my follow-up doctor's appointment complaining the doctor was taking forever to come in. Now I understand why he took so long. Once he did come in, Dr. Stark told me the ultrasound they did didn't show a yolk sac or a fetal pull. My first reaction was, "It didn't show the what? Dumb it down for me please..." while in my head I started to think, "Oh so they screwed up the ultrasound and they'll  have to do another one which means I need to find someone to watch Talia in a week or so and finding childcare is such a pain in the butt..." By the time Dr. Stark said the words "D&C" it finally sunk in. My brain finally made the connection that they only do D&Cs if someone miscarries and if it's necessary. Then my brain, which had turned rather sluggish and murky by this point, turned its light bulb on and I realized I would be miscarrying. I would never meet my baby, neither would my husband. Talia wouldn't be a big sister come August. 

We were pretty sure I was pregnant back in early/mid December. I didn't want to say anything until it was confirmed. The whole time I was nervous and had a feeling of dread. What if I couldn't love my children equally? What if I showed favoritism? How could I deal with getting up every 2 hours 24/7 again? I'd have to go through labor again, and that hurts! If I could take back these thoughts and questions and doubts and fears, I would. I would love to get up every 2 hours to feed a newborn in August, or go through labor, or teach Talia how to hold the baby, but now none of it will happen.

I think I finally got excited and ready to do this pregnancy thing about 15 days ago, when the doctor's office confirmed my pregnancy. I guess I figured, hey the doctor confirmed it, so we're good to go from this point! I was excited for 3 days. Then my excitement got smashed to the ground. 

Some may say it will happen with another baby if we get pregnant again, and that's true. But that will be a different child at a different time, not this child. If God blesses us with more children in the future, that will be wonderful. Right now though, I can't think of having future children so soon after this has happened. The emotions are still so raw, and I'm still grieving over this loss. It's hard seeing pregnant people. It's funny, I remember Dr. Stark saying about 1 in 6 people miscarry. And now I'm living proof of that as I have 5 friends pregnant... it's almost comical. 

If you are pregnant, please don't think I'm mad at you or resent you or anything like that. I am truly happy for you, just know it's hard for me right now. If I may be so bold to tell those of you who are pregnant, please be thankful. Be thankful for the morning sickness, the bodily aches, the inability to drink large amounts of caffeine. God has blessed you immensely! 

If you have miscarried, please feel free to talk about it. I, as well as many others, are more than willing to listen, cry with you, or whatever you need. I didn't want to talk about it for a long time, probably out of fear. But I think now that I'm opening up, I'm opening up myself to heal. Remember you are not alone and don't have to go through this alone.

I sat there at the appointment looking at the pictures of the ultrasound. Dr. Stark was right, there wasn't anything there. Just a big, black oval. As I think back to that picture, it reminds me of Jesus' tomb. It was empty, nothing was there, but yet He is alive. And so is our baby. Our baby's alive with Jesus. One of my sweet friends said our baby's in Heaven making a mess of his mansion and partying it up, while Jesus is following behind cleaning up his mess. I love that mental picture. It makes me laugh thinking of a mess in Heaven, and laughter always helps us heal. I love imagining our sweet baby getting into everything in Heaven- I'm sure Heaven's baby proof by the way- and Jesus swooping him up and giving him hugs and kisses from me and his daddy. 

I don't know when the baby left, but it's been a couple weeks at least. He didn't have to enter a fallen world, but got to go straight to the arms of Jesus. It does comfort me to know we'll meet him in Heaven. It takes away some of the pain that my arms won't hold him close and I won't kiss any of his boo-boos or tuck him in at night. I'm sure I'll always feel that pain to an extent, but the hope that God has given me lessens that pain.

7 days ago I officially miscarried. It was hard, I mean I basically went through labor without the reward of having a baby to hold by the end. But I'm glad it's over. I'm glad I can start to move on, and that this isn't dragging out. I'm looking forward to whatever it is God has planned and how He can use this miscarriage for His glory.

If you want to know how to pray for us, please pray for our emotional healing and for His peace that transcends all understanding to guard our hearts and our minds in Christ Jesus. Our emotions are all over the place from sadness, to bitterness, to anger, to confusion, to depression, to numbness... But God is bigger than any of these things and will get us through this.