Angry

Contrary to the title, this should actually be a somewhat humorous post. So please read with a sense of sarcasm. :)

The day I miscarried, I think I was the angriest person I've ever met. Now I could blame it on hormones, but then again the anger hasn't completely subsided since then. So hormones probably aren't the best excuse. Although I am better now, that should should put a bunch of you at ease.

As to why I was angry, there were several reasons. One, I had just miscarried. That's the obvious reason. The other main reason: I was mad at the whole species of mankind. Solely for existing. The fact I had to share a planet with the rest of the world drove me crazy that day. Narcissistic much?

Let me share a story about just how angry I was that day. On my way back from my doctor's appointment, I had to stop and get gas. I had just pulled up to the pump and was getting ready to get out of the car. This sweet, innocent old lady pulled up behind me to wait for me to move. (Side note- there were a few other pumps open. I still don't understand why she decided to wait behind me in the first place.) Well any normal person, who hadn't just miscarried mere hours before, would have just looked at her funny and then gone about their business. Me? I got livid. I mean- LIVID. The fact that the lady pulled up behind me was just about the most horrible thing anyone could have done to me at that point. I can't even remember what thoughts were going through my head- all I remember is a very big sense of rage. I think I was thinking things like, "How DARE she stop behind me! The nerve! Why can't she just go away and go to her own pump and leave me alone?! Gosh what's her problem? Doesn't she see the other pumps open? Is my car a magnet for her car and she just HAD to be near me? WHY CAN'T EVERYONE JUST GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE?!" I think the only thing missing was me turning green, tripling in size, and smashing things as the Incredible Hulkette.

Now, keep in mind, the sweet old lady never talked to me, didn't really even look at me, and actually did move to another pump once she realized I was just starting to get gas. We never spoke or even gave each other the stink eye. The poor innocent lady had no idea I was shooting death rays out of my eyes at her solely for being within 50 feet of me.

So there it is. Hormones? Maybe. At least they played a part that day in particular. My excuse for being angry since that day? Hmm... I'll have to ponder that one. Not to worry though, I have gotten over my fury at innocent old ladies parking behind me at gas stations.

Update

Not much new to say, but figured I'd just give a small update on how I'm doing. Each day is different honestly. Some days it gets better, other days I crumple. Yesterday was a crumple day. More prayers would be good.

We got back from our anniversary vacation yesterday and it was wonderful! We got to go swimming, hiking, rock climbing, dug our loaned 4Runner out of 3-4 foot high snow drifts (I have a picture of how high the snow came on me- yes I fell in said drift and couldn't get out), and laid around watching TV.

So needless to say, coming back home after a great distraction and rejuvenation time was hard. Harder than I thought. It wasn't just the after-vacation blues, but more like coming back to every day life where I have to think about all the stuff going on. I'm sure this doesn't make sense but in my brain it does. :)

On other notes, my house and clothes smell funny which I'm not sure what to make of that since I cleaned way good (I'm an English major- I talk how I want) before we left for vacation. And my bathroom sink smells like fish, not sure what to make of that either. Maybe my sense of smell got broken....

I found out cleaning diamond earrings in windex is pretty stinking awesome! Can't remember who recommended that originally, but whoever you are you are super smart and you were right- it got my earrings super clean and sparkly!

I hate insurance in all of its forms. It is the most complicated, obnoxious, hair-pulling-out system ever and it is awful. Blech to you insurance, blech!

Currently installing Rosetta Stone on my new computer. Part of me isn't sure why I'm bothering though, I haven't used the thing in months... But I probably should, I'm sure it would work if I used it... My goal is to eventually learn enough Spanish so that we can sometime visit our Compassion child in Peru and talk to her without a translator. How cool would that be?!

The toddler isn't napping, probably need to go see what she is up to in her room. Speaking of the toddler she is such a monkey. She never stops moving when she's awake, she prefers to gallop rather than walk or run. Seriously she gallops, like a horse, it's crazy! She says lots of things now which I need to write some of them down... and journal in my other journal about all the things she's up to. But she really is doing great, getting big (27+ pounds and just one inch under 3 feet tall), eats like piglet (but works it all off before it can go to her waistline...maybe I should do the toddler workout routine), is learning a ton of things (she knows about 1/3 of the alphabet, most animals and their sounds, and is doing hand motions to kid songs, says 3 word sentences). She prefers I play with her or at least sit with her. She loves to say "Mommy do it!" "Mommy sit!" "Mommy read it." She also refers to herself as baby so she says things like "Baby eat it!" "Baby do it." She prays with us at meal times by folding her hands. She prefers books, balls (especially the tiny ones that bounce real well), puzzles, and blocks (although she requires us parents to build something with the blocks solely for the purpose of her knocking it down). She's also very girly in some ways- she hates being dirty. She'll eat her dinner and say "Mommy wash" or "Mommy wipe" and when we watched Winnie the Pooh today she kept yelling "Pooh wash!" since he kept getting covered in honey and/or mud and he wasn't washing. Silly Pooh Bear...

Well that's probably all the rambling I feel like doing for now.