So...

Obviously I haven't written in forever. Two kids, a move, and life can hinder things like blogging. Not that I was great at it before, but ya know.

Today is October 15. Now pretty much everyone knows October turns pink with breast cancer awareness, which is completely fine and a very worthy cause.

But there is something else during this month much more near and dear to my heart: Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.

President Reagan designated this back in 1988 (just one of the many reasons why I SO respect this man). He believed that each life is so important, even the itty bitty ones. He realized the heartache in each grieving mother's being when she sends her little one to be with Jesus: 

"When a child loses his parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses her or his partner, they are called a widow or widower. When parents lose their child, there isn’t a word to describe them."

It's been over a year and a half since we lost our second baby. And when I say lost, I really mean sent to heaven. Because we know where he* is. I love to picture what he's doing right now. I think of how he'd be 14 months old now and getting into all sorts of trouble. 

I remember telling one of my dear friends who helped me through this difficult time that "I bet he's playing with Jesus." And she laughed and replied, "Probably more like tearing heaven apart and Jesus is following him around cleaning it up." That made me laugh so hard, and I love to picture a little baby just discovering everything about eternity and, as all babies do, putting everything in his mouth. I picture Jesus just looking at him, smiling a huge smile, laughing, and putting everything back in place once he loses interest and crawls onto something else. I don't know what he really does up there, but it helps to imagine.

There are so many things I wish I would do differently as a parent. I lose my temper, I get frustrated, I get lazy. I regret those moments. I do still wish I could have parented our second, but I take comfort that he never had to see me get mad at him. He's with the King of Kings who is endlessly patient with His children.

I've only had to say goodbye to one child. And it was one time too many. I know friends who have miscarried multiple times or have lost children in other ways. I can't imagine their pain. I know many of them have ran to the Lord for comfort and healing, but I'm sure some haven't, and if that's you I encourage you to do so. He understands loss, pain, confusion, anger, and any other emotion you may be feeling. He can take your broken heart and bind it back up. Will you still miss your baby? Of course- I do every day. I still cry sometimes. A lot of times I have to force myself to think of other things so I won't completely break down.

This is one of the hardest roads to walk. But it has brought me closer to other women who have walked it as well. I may not have spent much time with those women otherwise, but now have gotten to know them deeply. We've cried together and encouraged each other. I wouldn't trade these deep relationships for anything. We understand the pain and through Jesus can be made whole again. 

I've read that one way to remember your baby today is to light a candle. I have done that and encourage others to do it too. Just a small reminder that our babies mean something special to us, and that they're waiting for us. To see his smiling face in eternity is something I SO look forward to. 

I love you baby. We miss you. Big hugs and kisses from Mommy and Daddy. Be good and listen to Jesus. ;)

*Now we aren't 100% sure he was a boy as I was only 8ish weeks along. I had the overwhelming feeling he was though. I will know one day though. But because I refuse to call any unborn baby an "it" and I feel he was a boy, he will be a he for all intensive purposes while I'm writing. :)