Angry

Contrary to the title, this should actually be a somewhat humorous post. So please read with a sense of sarcasm. :)

The day I miscarried, I think I was the angriest person I've ever met. Now I could blame it on hormones, but then again the anger hasn't completely subsided since then. So hormones probably aren't the best excuse. Although I am better now, that should should put a bunch of you at ease.

As to why I was angry, there were several reasons. One, I had just miscarried. That's the obvious reason. The other main reason: I was mad at the whole species of mankind. Solely for existing. The fact I had to share a planet with the rest of the world drove me crazy that day. Narcissistic much?

Let me share a story about just how angry I was that day. On my way back from my doctor's appointment, I had to stop and get gas. I had just pulled up to the pump and was getting ready to get out of the car. This sweet, innocent old lady pulled up behind me to wait for me to move. (Side note- there were a few other pumps open. I still don't understand why she decided to wait behind me in the first place.) Well any normal person, who hadn't just miscarried mere hours before, would have just looked at her funny and then gone about their business. Me? I got livid. I mean- LIVID. The fact that the lady pulled up behind me was just about the most horrible thing anyone could have done to me at that point. I can't even remember what thoughts were going through my head- all I remember is a very big sense of rage. I think I was thinking things like, "How DARE she stop behind me! The nerve! Why can't she just go away and go to her own pump and leave me alone?! Gosh what's her problem? Doesn't she see the other pumps open? Is my car a magnet for her car and she just HAD to be near me? WHY CAN'T EVERYONE JUST GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE?!" I think the only thing missing was me turning green, tripling in size, and smashing things as the Incredible Hulkette.

Now, keep in mind, the sweet old lady never talked to me, didn't really even look at me, and actually did move to another pump once she realized I was just starting to get gas. We never spoke or even gave each other the stink eye. The poor innocent lady had no idea I was shooting death rays out of my eyes at her solely for being within 50 feet of me.

So there it is. Hormones? Maybe. At least they played a part that day in particular. My excuse for being angry since that day? Hmm... I'll have to ponder that one. Not to worry though, I have gotten over my fury at innocent old ladies parking behind me at gas stations.

Update

Not much new to say, but figured I'd just give a small update on how I'm doing. Each day is different honestly. Some days it gets better, other days I crumple. Yesterday was a crumple day. More prayers would be good.

We got back from our anniversary vacation yesterday and it was wonderful! We got to go swimming, hiking, rock climbing, dug our loaned 4Runner out of 3-4 foot high snow drifts (I have a picture of how high the snow came on me- yes I fell in said drift and couldn't get out), and laid around watching TV.

So needless to say, coming back home after a great distraction and rejuvenation time was hard. Harder than I thought. It wasn't just the after-vacation blues, but more like coming back to every day life where I have to think about all the stuff going on. I'm sure this doesn't make sense but in my brain it does. :)

On other notes, my house and clothes smell funny which I'm not sure what to make of that since I cleaned way good (I'm an English major- I talk how I want) before we left for vacation. And my bathroom sink smells like fish, not sure what to make of that either. Maybe my sense of smell got broken....

I found out cleaning diamond earrings in windex is pretty stinking awesome! Can't remember who recommended that originally, but whoever you are you are super smart and you were right- it got my earrings super clean and sparkly!

I hate insurance in all of its forms. It is the most complicated, obnoxious, hair-pulling-out system ever and it is awful. Blech to you insurance, blech!

Currently installing Rosetta Stone on my new computer. Part of me isn't sure why I'm bothering though, I haven't used the thing in months... But I probably should, I'm sure it would work if I used it... My goal is to eventually learn enough Spanish so that we can sometime visit our Compassion child in Peru and talk to her without a translator. How cool would that be?!

The toddler isn't napping, probably need to go see what she is up to in her room. Speaking of the toddler she is such a monkey. She never stops moving when she's awake, she prefers to gallop rather than walk or run. Seriously she gallops, like a horse, it's crazy! She says lots of things now which I need to write some of them down... and journal in my other journal about all the things she's up to. But she really is doing great, getting big (27+ pounds and just one inch under 3 feet tall), eats like piglet (but works it all off before it can go to her waistline...maybe I should do the toddler workout routine), is learning a ton of things (she knows about 1/3 of the alphabet, most animals and their sounds, and is doing hand motions to kid songs, says 3 word sentences). She prefers I play with her or at least sit with her. She loves to say "Mommy do it!" "Mommy sit!" "Mommy read it." She also refers to herself as baby so she says things like "Baby eat it!" "Baby do it." She prays with us at meal times by folding her hands. She prefers books, balls (especially the tiny ones that bounce real well), puzzles, and blocks (although she requires us parents to build something with the blocks solely for the purpose of her knocking it down). She's also very girly in some ways- she hates being dirty. She'll eat her dinner and say "Mommy wash" or "Mommy wipe" and when we watched Winnie the Pooh today she kept yelling "Pooh wash!" since he kept getting covered in honey and/or mud and he wasn't washing. Silly Pooh Bear...

Well that's probably all the rambling I feel like doing for now.

1-19-12

People sometimes say God won't give you more than you can handle. Honestly, right now, I keep getting hit over and over and over again. It does seem more than I can handle. But what helps is that my God is bigger than any of these things and He can handle them for me. All I have to do is ask Him to carry these burdens. 

15 days ago it was confirmed I was pregnant. Dr. Stark asked me if I was ready for another one and I said no, being as how my 2 year old daughter is a live wire and keeps me super busy. I regret saying that very much right now. 

12 days ago I texted my friend from my follow-up doctor's appointment complaining the doctor was taking forever to come in. Now I understand why he took so long. Once he did come in, Dr. Stark told me the ultrasound they did didn't show a yolk sac or a fetal pull. My first reaction was, "It didn't show the what? Dumb it down for me please..." while in my head I started to think, "Oh so they screwed up the ultrasound and they'll  have to do another one which means I need to find someone to watch Talia in a week or so and finding childcare is such a pain in the butt..." By the time Dr. Stark said the words "D&C" it finally sunk in. My brain finally made the connection that they only do D&Cs if someone miscarries and if it's necessary. Then my brain, which had turned rather sluggish and murky by this point, turned its light bulb on and I realized I would be miscarrying. I would never meet my baby, neither would my husband. Talia wouldn't be a big sister come August. 

We were pretty sure I was pregnant back in early/mid December. I didn't want to say anything until it was confirmed. The whole time I was nervous and had a feeling of dread. What if I couldn't love my children equally? What if I showed favoritism? How could I deal with getting up every 2 hours 24/7 again? I'd have to go through labor again, and that hurts! If I could take back these thoughts and questions and doubts and fears, I would. I would love to get up every 2 hours to feed a newborn in August, or go through labor, or teach Talia how to hold the baby, but now none of it will happen.

I think I finally got excited and ready to do this pregnancy thing about 15 days ago, when the doctor's office confirmed my pregnancy. I guess I figured, hey the doctor confirmed it, so we're good to go from this point! I was excited for 3 days. Then my excitement got smashed to the ground. 

Some may say it will happen with another baby if we get pregnant again, and that's true. But that will be a different child at a different time, not this child. If God blesses us with more children in the future, that will be wonderful. Right now though, I can't think of having future children so soon after this has happened. The emotions are still so raw, and I'm still grieving over this loss. It's hard seeing pregnant people. It's funny, I remember Dr. Stark saying about 1 in 6 people miscarry. And now I'm living proof of that as I have 5 friends pregnant... it's almost comical. 

If you are pregnant, please don't think I'm mad at you or resent you or anything like that. I am truly happy for you, just know it's hard for me right now. If I may be so bold to tell those of you who are pregnant, please be thankful. Be thankful for the morning sickness, the bodily aches, the inability to drink large amounts of caffeine. God has blessed you immensely! 

If you have miscarried, please feel free to talk about it. I, as well as many others, are more than willing to listen, cry with you, or whatever you need. I didn't want to talk about it for a long time, probably out of fear. But I think now that I'm opening up, I'm opening up myself to heal. Remember you are not alone and don't have to go through this alone.

I sat there at the appointment looking at the pictures of the ultrasound. Dr. Stark was right, there wasn't anything there. Just a big, black oval. As I think back to that picture, it reminds me of Jesus' tomb. It was empty, nothing was there, but yet He is alive. And so is our baby. Our baby's alive with Jesus. One of my sweet friends said our baby's in Heaven making a mess of his mansion and partying it up, while Jesus is following behind cleaning up his mess. I love that mental picture. It makes me laugh thinking of a mess in Heaven, and laughter always helps us heal. I love imagining our sweet baby getting into everything in Heaven- I'm sure Heaven's baby proof by the way- and Jesus swooping him up and giving him hugs and kisses from me and his daddy. 

I don't know when the baby left, but it's been a couple weeks at least. He didn't have to enter a fallen world, but got to go straight to the arms of Jesus. It does comfort me to know we'll meet him in Heaven. It takes away some of the pain that my arms won't hold him close and I won't kiss any of his boo-boos or tuck him in at night. I'm sure I'll always feel that pain to an extent, but the hope that God has given me lessens that pain.

7 days ago I officially miscarried. It was hard, I mean I basically went through labor without the reward of having a baby to hold by the end. But I'm glad it's over. I'm glad I can start to move on, and that this isn't dragging out. I'm looking forward to whatever it is God has planned and how He can use this miscarriage for His glory.

If you want to know how to pray for us, please pray for our emotional healing and for His peace that transcends all understanding to guard our hearts and our minds in Christ Jesus. Our emotions are all over the place from sadness, to bitterness, to anger, to confusion, to depression, to numbness... But God is bigger than any of these things and will get us through this.

Our New Roommate

I already spilled the beans on Facebook as to who our new roommate is. Not like it was a secret or anything, but you know... Anyway, isn't he/she the cutest thing ever?

We went to the Walk For Life this morning, and then came back to this little one. According to our neighbor he must have arrived and gotten comfy right after we left.

Babykins didn't even notice him at first, but once she did she fell in love. She has called him "da" "dee" and I swear a couple times I heard "Bambi" and "Deer" come out of her mouth too. She got as close to him as we would let her. (We'll teach her about fleas and the like later...)

We think we know who Mama Deer is:

But if she is Mama Deer, I'm just going to say that I am a MUCH better mother than her... I think it would be horrible for a baby to be left by her mama all day long, especially if baby is only a few days old... I know the whole animal kingdom does things differently than us humans, but I still find it heartbreaking! Mama Deer walks around the baby but won't get closer than 20 feet to her little one. I would think the baby would need to nurse!

So needless to say, deer are extremely stupid but that's a whole other blog post.

We like our new roomie- he/she's really cute and doesn't make any noise, but don't know what to do with her. Currently Mama Deer (aka Dopey) is walking around the neighbor's back yard while baby is in the front yard. And just so you all know, herding deer is impossible! And they say herding cats is hard...

I am thankful

Someone told me recently to write down all the things I'm thankful for. It's been hard for me to get started because my mind has been thinking, "But I don't have this, or this, or this..." I know once I write those things down my mindset will change its focus. So I have decided to write down all the things I'm thankful for and share them on my blog. That way it will be harder for me to go back to that place of un-thankfulness because, well, it's posted online for crying out loud! :)

So here it goes:

I am thankful for my husband. He's my closest friend, takes very good care of me, supports me, loves me unconditionally, and is the one person I can act like a complete dork around and he's fine with it. He pushes me to seek God more and takes care of baby when I'm ready to go completely crazy from her Terrible Two Tirades. I love him!

I am thankful for my babykins. She's the cutest thing ever, full of personality, super funny, makes the best faces, teaches me so much about everything, and fills my heart with joy. She's not a half bad workout either...

I am thankful for Jesus. Even though I struggle to completely follow Him and be more like Him, I'm thankful He doesn't get frustrated and leave me where I'm at. I'm glad that no matter how much I screw up, He'll still be there to forgive me as long as I ask Him. I'm thankful I have hope and am loved beyond measure, even if I don't feel like it sometimes.

I'm thankful for us being able to afford everything we need and not have to rely on outside assistance.

I'm thankful for my Mary Kay business. Although I may not work it like I should, I am grateful that I have the flexibility to work as little or as much as I want and that I can transform it into whatever I want it to be.

I am thankful for my Mary Kay sisters. They mean so much to me and are the best support system. They push me to be better, love me where I'm at, and will always be there.

I am thankful for my daughter's Terrible Twos because it tells me she's normal.

I am thankful for all the mold, water damage, rot, who-knows-what-else that is consuming our house because it means we can make our house a better place to live.

I am thankful for trials and tribulations because it makes the seasons of abundance that much more abundant.

I am thankful for my husband's job because it provides for us and I believe it will lead to something much better in the future.

I am thankful for the job I had for 2 1/2 years because of some great friends I made there and the hilarious memories I have. Side note- just in case you all didn't know, FedEx has boats... hehe!

I am thankful for the rain, snow, sleet, hail, and wind because it keeps life from being too boring. Not to mention I truly love rain and snow and could probably be happy in Seattle. :)

I am thankful for Dayquil, Niquil, Tylenol, Motrin, Claritin, Benadryl, and Kleenex. I've been sick and allery-y so these things have been on my mind a lot lately...

I am thankful for friends who I can vent to and they still love me anyway, even after I've dumped all my garbage on them. (By the way, if you're one of those friends- my apologies for dumping on you...)

I am thankful for instances that are not so pretty because they make me realize just how good I have it.

I am thankful for all the stuff we have that we don't need and/or don't deserve. Which leads me to say I'm thankful for garage sales/craigslist so I can get rid of a lot of that stuff and someone else gets a bargain!

I am thankful for all the leaders I have.

I am thankful for all these things and so much more! I am blessed beyond measure and Lord knows I don't deserve it.

Afternoon Walk

"It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood, a beautiful day for a neighbor, won't you be mine?"

I miss Mr. Rogers.

He was one of my faves as a kid. One of my husband's too. I just loved his grandpa-ness. My husband loved that he was Marine...

Anyways, how's that for an attention grabber? :)

What I really meant to blog about today was the gorgeous weather (hence my little singing at the top of the page) and how we've spent the time outside.

It wasn't obnoxiously windy today which was wonderful! We went on not one, but two walks. And we left the stroller at home. Yep, babykins walked all by herself!

Here are some pictures of us out walking a couple weeks ago. Not that we went much farther beyond the driveway...

She takes that snuggle lamb everywhere!

Today the only picture I got was the aftermath of the walk...

Since she insisted on walking herself, she kind of had to deal with some consequences. We learned that walking down a really steep hill can be tricky. And that you got to keep your balance or else you face plant on the sidewalk.

Thankfully she only cried for about 1 minute, then acted like nothing was wrong. Let's just say, she won't take after me in that respect. When I hurt myself, I would cry all day, all night, get sympathy from everyone and anyone, and throw a big pity party. She's a daddy's girl, all the way.

Was Discouraged, Now Stilled

Oi-vey! That's what I have to say after today.

It started out very well. We all slept in. One of my oldest and dearest friends came over- and we had a blast! Maybe I should of had her come over this evening- that way my day could have ended on a much better note.

I think sometime around nap time I got the mail. (Side note, getting the mail is pretty much the highlight of my day, although I'm not really sure why.) In it was a Netflix movie (yay!) and our annual letter from our homeowners insurance company. Now our premium does tend to fluctuate, but this was just ridiculous! They upped it by $200!! (Another side note, what happened to the "no new taxes" thing Obama? ah-hem... I better stop before I get REALLY riled up... 638 days left!) So needless to say we spent a good portion of the afternoon shopping for different homeowners insurance.

Again, babykins decided to put on her cranky pants this afternoon. Why she feels the need to even keep her cranky pants is beyond me. So I had a whiney pumpkin on my hands. Love her dearly but when she follows me around for hours, tugging at my legs, and whimpering- it's draining. She went to bed at 7- a good half hour/45 minutes earlier than normal. And she went right to sleep so I guess that's a very good sign.

I prayed at least 3 times this afternoon for patience with her.

I listened to a recorded conference call for my Mary Kay business. That was great, minus that babykins wanted entertained the entire time so I kind of half listened to it. 

I put on Facebook that I really wanted to go to our church's Good Friday service tonight. I wasn't even sure how I was going to do it because it was a family service which means they don't have childcare. I was picturing me chasing her around the sanctuary for the entire hour and a half and not getting a thing out of the service, other than a good workout. Around 6 I realized we weren't going due to the extra dose of cranky pants. Was I disappointed? Yes and no. In a lot of ways it was nice to just put her to bed and then have the evening to re-group, but I still would have liked to go. I even tried to listen online, but for some reason they didn't broadcast it. I was more disappointed about that...

So now I sit, quietly in my house, debating on taking Tylenol for my headache. I am then realizing something. 2000 years ago Jesus hung on a cross in excruciating pain. In all kinds of pain even! Physical, spiritual, and emotional pain. He didn't have the luxury of painkillers. He endured the pain. For us. All the sin of the world He took upon Himself because He loves us. In His great love, he took on the yuck I dealt with today. He took on my frustration, my impatience, my anger, my unforgiving spirit, and my downright grumpiness. He's willing to take it away, but I have to release it. I have to say, "Lord, take it. I am sorry for living that way today. Help me to be more like You. Take away the parts of me that are sinful, destructive to me and others, not glorifying to You, and please replace them with the fruit of the spirit (love, joy, PEACE, PATIENCE, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, GENTLENESS, and SELF-CONTROL)." I added the caps to those 4 specific ones because boy do I need those today! I need all 9 of them of course, but those 4 were really lacking today.

I am now deciding to give today's yuck up. Circumstances come and go. Ups and downs happen. Life is cyclical. The bad and the good are going to come. So do I panic about the bad? No! I am now choosing to have a stilled heart and spirit in the power of Christ. "Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature..." Galations 5:24

I am crucifying my sinful nature.

This has been a good Friday. A very Good Friday.