People sometimes say God won't give you more than you can handle. Honestly, right now, I keep getting hit over and over and over again. It does seem more than I can handle. But what helps is that my God is bigger than any of these things and He can handle them for me. All I have to do is ask Him to carry these burdens.
15 days ago it was confirmed I was pregnant. Dr. Stark asked me if I was ready for another one and I said no, being as how my 2 year old daughter is a live wire and keeps me super busy. I regret saying that very much right now.
12 days ago I texted my friend from my follow-up doctor's appointment complaining the doctor was taking forever to come in. Now I understand why he took so long. Once he did come in, Dr. Stark told me the ultrasound they did didn't show a yolk sac or a fetal pull. My first reaction was, "It didn't show the what? Dumb it down for me please..." while in my head I started to think, "Oh so they screwed up the ultrasound and they'll have to do another one which means I need to find someone to watch Talia in a week or so and finding childcare is such a pain in the butt..." By the time Dr. Stark said the words "D&C" it finally sunk in. My brain finally made the connection that they only do D&Cs if someone miscarries and if it's necessary. Then my brain, which had turned rather sluggish and murky by this point, turned its light bulb on and I realized I would be miscarrying. I would never meet my baby, neither would my husband. Talia wouldn't be a big sister come August.
We were pretty sure I was pregnant back in early/mid December. I didn't want to say anything until it was confirmed. The whole time I was nervous and had a feeling of dread. What if I couldn't love my children equally? What if I showed favoritism? How could I deal with getting up every 2 hours 24/7 again? I'd have to go through labor again, and that hurts! If I could take back these thoughts and questions and doubts and fears, I would. I would love to get up every 2 hours to feed a newborn in August, or go through labor, or teach Talia how to hold the baby, but now none of it will happen.
I think I finally got excited and ready to do this pregnancy thing about 15 days ago, when the doctor's office confirmed my pregnancy. I guess I figured, hey the doctor confirmed it, so we're good to go from this point! I was excited for 3 days. Then my excitement got smashed to the ground.
Some may say it will happen with another baby if we get pregnant again, and that's true. But that will be a different child at a different time, not this child. If God blesses us with more children in the future, that will be wonderful. Right now though, I can't think of having future children so soon after this has happened. The emotions are still so raw, and I'm still grieving over this loss. It's hard seeing pregnant people. It's funny, I remember Dr. Stark saying about 1 in 6 people miscarry. And now I'm living proof of that as I have 5 friends pregnant... it's almost comical.
If you are pregnant, please don't think I'm mad at you or resent you or anything like that. I am truly happy for you, just know it's hard for me right now. If I may be so bold to tell those of you who are pregnant, please be thankful. Be thankful for the morning sickness, the bodily aches, the inability to drink large amounts of caffeine. God has blessed you immensely!
If you have miscarried, please feel free to talk about it. I, as well as many others, are more than willing to listen, cry with you, or whatever you need. I didn't want to talk about it for a long time, probably out of fear. But I think now that I'm opening up, I'm opening up myself to heal. Remember you are not alone and don't have to go through this alone.
I sat there at the appointment looking at the pictures of the ultrasound. Dr. Stark was right, there wasn't anything there. Just a big, black oval. As I think back to that picture, it reminds me of Jesus' tomb. It was empty, nothing was there, but yet He is alive. And so is our baby. Our baby's alive with Jesus. One of my sweet friends said our baby's in Heaven making a mess of his mansion and partying it up, while Jesus is following behind cleaning up his mess. I love that mental picture. It makes me laugh thinking of a mess in Heaven, and laughter always helps us heal. I love imagining our sweet baby getting into everything in Heaven- I'm sure Heaven's baby proof by the way- and Jesus swooping him up and giving him hugs and kisses from me and his daddy.
I don't know when the baby left, but it's been a couple weeks at least. He didn't have to enter a fallen world, but got to go straight to the arms of Jesus. It does comfort me to know we'll meet him in Heaven. It takes away some of the pain that my arms won't hold him close and I won't kiss any of his boo-boos or tuck him in at night. I'm sure I'll always feel that pain to an extent, but the hope that God has given me lessens that pain.
7 days ago I officially miscarried. It was hard, I mean I basically went through labor without the reward of having a baby to hold by the end. But I'm glad it's over. I'm glad I can start to move on, and that this isn't dragging out. I'm looking forward to whatever it is God has planned and how He can use this miscarriage for His glory.
If you want to know how to pray for us, please pray for our emotional healing and for His peace that transcends all understanding to guard our hearts and our minds in Christ Jesus. Our emotions are all over the place from sadness, to bitterness, to anger, to confusion, to depression, to numbness... But God is bigger than any of these things and will get us through this.
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